Life and purpose have become suddenly "empty". My wife is still here in body, but her soul is elsewhere. I am still very much here both in body and soul - but somehow feel that I could be in danger of becoming Mr Invisible, already cast off into history.
We don't do things "together" anymore, much as I would like to and suggest it, even for the sake of the children. We seem to already have time with the children in "turns", organise diaries separately, have separate existences within the same house - apart from meal times.
She will say that our lives were always like that - separate existences. But, there is a difference when you know and care that the other is there, and gain comfort from it - wherever else they are in the house - even if you are not conversing. When you care that they are late home in case an accident might have befallen them. That you really care if they might look crestfallen, not merely out of politeness. That you want to know that they are ok, that you care about them, whether they are near or far. Wherever you each are - you care.
I hope that we will not reach the point where we do not talk. We do at least manage a "hello", a "goodbye" or even a "see you later". To be fair, we do talk at (shared) meal times and when I can prise her away from the Internet.
I even manage to surprise her by "snatching" the occasional hug when I leave in the morning to drop our eldest son off at the school coach.
Up to six weeks ago a kiss and/or a hug when I left for work was only natural, mandatory even; and she would notice and complain if not given. Now her lips are averted, not even her cheek is offered. I go for the neck instead - she thinks of herself as a vampire after all!
Let me just say, our own situation thankfully has not reached this - well, not yet, and I hope that it will never do so - but all too often, love turns to disdain or contempt. We have sailed close to these particular rocks but, thankfully managed to steer clear thus far.
"Good manners cost nothing" as it used to be said, but during a separation process it is so easy to get to the situation where one is not even accorded the simple civility reserved for strangers........
Far worse than being hated is to be ignored or accounted as unworthy of attention. Because when we are hated it is at least an acknowledgement that our existence provokes a response from the other......that we are able to stir up their passions (unfortunately not the right ones!), negative though they may be.
To be ignored altogether is a sign that we no longer matter to that person......we are rendered powerless to affect them in any way. It is the most frustrating of situations, especially for one who was formerly the object of love or adoration. One so easily can feel and become Mr Invisible.
This sense of worthlessness or emasculation is the most destructive of emotions when suffered by those whose upbringing or past experiences has left them ill-equipped to deal with it; those without close family bonds or intimate friendships to offer a source of love and reassurance separate from the one who has now abandoned them.
Fortunately, I do not fall in that category, and have plenty of family and friends who are helping support me through this time - and I am grateful to them.
Nevertheless, to have almost reached an age when one is supposed to enjoy the fruits of one's labours and the love and warmth of one's family, with a wife that one adores, but to be denied and have that dream taken away still makes it very hard to endure, to understand. To believe in love.
