What my wife did not have the courage to admit to when she broke the news to me that she wanted to leave me was that she had had a brief affair – initially through contact via cyberspace, and then for real. Her Mr Lost (an old boyfriend, someone from her past), who suddenly by chance came to recognise her from her blog, established real contact and briefly became her Mr Found.
But as ever, she became too needy in her demands (even through the keyboard!), and he could not handle it. Could not give the commitment she sought, even for 5 minutes, let alone 8 years. To some she presents what happened as: "He was married and I therefore decided to give it up after a month". How honourable.
I was left to find out the intimate details for myself – sickened as they made me feel to read - and confronted her about it, without revealing what I already knew. She denied that she was “seeing someone else” when I asked her directly if that was the case, because technically at the time that was no longer the case! But this brief taste of the forbidden fruit had “fired” her up, spurred her on, validated her fantasy – the rediscovered thrill of “teenage love” made her eager to abandon all, to go seek out any Mr Lost that might lurk in the corners, in all the dark places covered in cobwebs that she had not yet touched.
The fact is, Mr Found very quickly got lost once again – he’s another who needs to also go and “find himself” apparently.
I have this vision of thousands of Mr Losts, Mrs Losts, Ms Losts and Miss Losts; all floating around, looking for themselves and each other out there in cyberspace. Just go look in the mirror for Christ’s sake – that’s who you really are!
Her Mr Lost states that he “thinks he’s found what he wants”, but has been “very clumsy” with it.
It’s very easy to be the serial flirter with the keyboard, to play with the emotions of others, but another thing altogether to have to face up to the reality of true commitment and daily life. It's hard to keep up the romantic vision, at least not for long. At some point you have to jump out the computer screen and live up to the fantasy, not just for a week, a month, but can you deliver the vision you have "sold" for a lifetime - in a domestic environment?
Mr Lost was another "softer", more "feminine" version of Mr Bastard (her lover before I “rescued” her) it seems – who would also not leave his wife and kids for Mrs Wife(mine), though she kidded herself that he too would. A certain pattern emerging? Drama is one word I can think of. Victim another. Besides, he could not confine his attentions to Mrs Wife alone, and she found out. She is actually a very jealous animal and the fidelity, exclusivity, and attention from her man is very important to her - does she really expect to find that quality amongst the community within which she fishes? A bit rich and hypocritical I think.
Tip for Prospective Mr Founds: Another must-have quality that any Mr Lost needs to qualify as a possible Mr Found is correct spelling and grammar. A posh, public school accent would go a long way too. Nothing too "common" will do. Certainly, if you cannot place your apostrophes in the right place you have no chance with this lady.
If Mr Lost (who is lost once more) needs help finding himself, I can help him. I know who he is. I have his mobile, his email and I know where he works. I know that he is married and has three daughters. I even know what he and his kids look like. I have a photograph. He is even a “professional” man – apparently – an endearing feature (to Mrs Wife) is that he wears odd shoelaces on his shoes, because to her this suggests someone with a sence of "fun", who does not care too much for appearances (as though she does not herself - a new one on me!). To most others who are not love-struck this would be more a sign that he is probably not very good at what he does (a solicitor), and could not afford to support her, especially with wife and three kids left behind to maintain. They would certainly spoil the "ideal" of the fantasy behind the keyboard. I suppose his shoes are too low down to be seen in the reflection back in the mirror, but he's certainly had his bit of "fun".
I have a good mind to name him in divorce proceedings, but that would be giving him more recognition than he deserves. I don’t really blame him for all of this.
Anyway, unlike my wife, I do not have a vindictive streak in me. I believe in doing the “right” thing by people. Always have done, always will. What’s happened to that quality in people these days? Perhaps it’s a reflection on when, where and by whom I was brought up. No, twice over knowing the pain and anguish that it causes, I would not want to play a direct part in the break-up of his own family. He will no doubt do a fine job of that himself – whether or not he finds himself in the process.
I know that I am not blameless, not without fault myself. However, I have never betrayed her, been unfaithful or had eyes for anyone else throughout the 8 years we have been together. I have never wanted to or felt the need to. This has not been out of any sense of "duty" towards her, which I have anyway, but because that is how strongly I have felt about her. Perhaps that is part of the problem.
Ironically, for some time earlier on in our relationship, she was always the one worrying herself stupid that I might meet someone else and leave her! "When will you be home?", "Where are you?", "Why were you 10 minutes late getting home? Where did you go?" were regular enquiries of me.
I may not have been as fully attentive as my (needy) wife expected of me at times (for good “real life” reasons), but I did not “force” her into having an affair. When women have affairs, it’s always portrayed as the husband’s fault. She could have just enjoyed the flattery, but resisted the temptation and said “no”. I blame my wife entirely for the overall situation that she has allowed to develop, even though she deflects the “guilt” that she feigns (in her blog only) by trying to pin the blame on me.
What was the attraction? The fact that he “talked to her like a woman” apparently – on MSN usually for around 3 hours a night, from around 11:00pm to 2:00am in the morning; whilst I thought that I was doing the honourable thing in letting her “edit her book” and gone to bed. The highly explicit MSN dialogue that I saw didn’t much read to me like two women talking.
Another reason was the fact that he probably “would lie on the trampoline and gaze at the stars with her” – she’s never asked me to do that, so she can’t know if I wouldn't (see my first post). I hate to think of where they did lie. The back of one of our cars is probably one place – very teenage. No wonder she is so keen for me to get rid of that particular car.
Cyberspace is a much “safer” place for her to be, well removed from reality – where you can listen to only what you want to hear, pretend to be something that you probably are not, certainly more than a little dangerous and exciting, where you can say things to complete strangers that you might not be able to say to real people face to face. Where you can say everything that you want to say, but not directly to those that you ought to say it to, to those from whom you feel and state that you have become “disconnected”, with whom you think you have “nothing left to say” - because you have already exhausted yourself by saying it all to others.
It is somewhere where you do not have to pay the consequences of your actions.
It’s a bit like ringing someone’s doorbell and then running away - one of Mr Lost’s expressions by the way – and exactly what he has done, to her, to me. Rung her bell and run away.
I hope that Mr Lost has been deposited and left in Left Luggage as she says, never to be re-claimed, but the damage has been done. She thinks that there are many Mr Losts out there looking for rescue, but there is only one Mr Found and he is right here, though she unfairly thinks that "I was never there". Maybe 'til now I did not let her know, shout strongly enough, that I am very much here. She just continues to look for me in the wrong place(s).
